The commitment of true friendship: I'll always go and pick up the soup
The stories we tell ourselves, recipes to savor summer, 5 books to add to your list, and the Remi Wolf song on repeat
Have you been savoring the last of summer? You know, the important bits: The final floral splash of color from zinnias. The crickets in the evening. The sweet and smoky barbecue aroma from a neighbor’s grill wafting your way. The relief of a breeze on a hot day. The juicy burst of flavor from a perfectly ripe tomato.
I kid you not, as I sit here typing on my patio, an unexpected shower lasting all of two minutes gave me a rainbow. Summer, quite the show off.
But back to those tomatoes. So committed I’ve been to enjoying them fully, I gave myself a canker sore in early August. I joked with friends about the fierce level of commitment I had to enjoy every bit of the season that I could. And maybe it was the repetition of tomato after tomato, but it got me thinking about the notion of commitment.
For a long-time I’ve labeled myself as a “commitment-phobe.” I told myself the evidence was there. Mainly, how long time it takes me to make decisions, especially those on a bigger scale (we’re talking a year to buy a car). There were experiences I would immediately write off, using this label as an excuse. I could never, I’m a commitment-phobe. Lately, I’ve realized that’s a story I’ve been telling myself for far too long. Did eating a questionable amount of tomatoes really make me realize this?
Yes, and reading Anne Bogel’s Don’t Overthink It earlier this summer. I realized it’s not that I’m afraid of commitment, it’s that I’m overthinking, (mostly a by-product of people-pleasing and perfectionism). When I step back and look at my life, it’s trending toward the opposite. Turns out I’m kind of into commitment (house, dog, job). This is especially true when it comes to showing up and loving my people well (a sentiment I hear often from author Hanif Abdurraqib).
And that brings us to the title. I have been listening to Remi Wolf’s Soup on repeat and to me, it’s a song about showing up and trying to be a good friend, bringing the soup when they need it. Curious, I did my research and Wolf had this to say in an interview:
“Soup explores my relationship to commitment and follow through. If you ever really wanted to be there for someone fully but ended up getting drunk on a rooftop instead, Soup is for you!”
Every time I listen I think of my best friends. I also think about how fiercely the main character in Catherine Newman’s We All Want Impossible Things shows up for her best friend, even though her own life is on fire. She absolutely picked up the soup.
And sure, there may be a time when I’m going through a selfish, drunk on the rooftop stage, but not now. I’m committed to being the friend that picks up the soup, annoyingly so in fact. I want to bring dinner, drop off laundry detergent, go on a walk, listen to venting sessions, celebrate the big and little accomplishments, pack up leftovers, cry on the phone together. In our demanding, and sometimes isolating, day to day it can be easy to let these opportunities slip by. But like summer, we should savor the moments we get to show up for our people, showing our commitment of being a true friend, not just when it’s convenient or in a way that works best for us, but in a way that works for stage of life our friends find themselves in. So this month I’ll hope you pick up the metaphorical soup for someone in your life, or actual soup — the season is upon us, after all.
On to the recaps…
Answers in the pages: 5 books on women navigating heartbreak, grief, and finding joy
Really Good, Actually, Monica Heisey
"It's good! It's like, I don't need to dig my own grave to know that ultimately, nothing is that important and we all die alone. I don't know why you guys are being so serious about this. I mean it in like, a fun way."
I can’t remember the last time a book repeatedly had me laughing, eyes closed, slamming my palm on the nearest surface. This reaction was was the natural response to this read from my favorite sub-genre, “sad girl fiction with dark humor and flawed, lovable characters centered around friendship.” This breakup book felt so true to life, complete with an unreliable narrator, how we tell ourselves we’re doing fine but the cracks start to show and widen to those around us (including in our Google search history). If you enjoyed Dolly Alderton’s Good Material earlier this year but yearned for a female perspective, pick this one up.
Why I Wake Early, Mary Oliver
Don’t worry, my Mary Oliver era is still in effect. With poems around greeting the day early and main characters including crickets, golden rod, and deer, this one felt like a perfect fit for the dwindling days of summer. My favorite from this collection: The Lover of Earth Cannot Help Herself.
Hello, Beautiful, Ann Napolitano
“She carried a book at all times—to read, yes, but also as a handy shield for when she wanted to deflect the attention of other people. She would simply position a book in front of her face and think, or simply hide.”
Very late to the party on this one. After recently hearing that it was a modern retelling of Little Women, passing by a copy at my library, it practically begged to be checked out. It’s a big, sweeping, decades-long family drama told from multiple viewpoints. I appreciated the conversations around mental health, the chosen family of a basketball team, and the love of books. The characters are vivid and layered in a way that will have you feeling a range of emotions, from frustrated to sympathetic. If you’re a fan of the slow-burn, and character-driven stories, this one is a must.
Single, Carefree, Mellow, Katherine Heiny
“Two things occur to Sasha at this instant. One: Having morals is not something she’s ever aspired to. Successful writer, loyal friend, pretty girl; those have been goals, but she can’t say moral person has ever made the list, and that’s kind of startling to realize. Two (and this possibly should have occurred to her quite a while ago): She doesn’t have to sit here and listen to this.”
My second book of stories from Heiny this year (and my favorite). This one also seemed to jump out at me while browsing the library. Even though the stories aren’t all about single women (a theme you know I appreciate) as the title might suggest, the stories do center around women — our roles, obligations, and expectations. It’s almost unfair how good Heiny is at taking the small observations we all have and using them to shape characters and tell stories. Please read this book, especially Dark Matter, and let’s have a conversation about the brilliance and truth of what the character calls “come thoughts.”
Arrangements in Blue, Amy Key
“I’m not saying that cooking myself a five-pan, six-hour meal is a radical act, but it says my pleasure is worth investing in, is worth putting love into, even if I don’t always believe that, even if sometimes I feel profligate, greedy, unsatisfied.”
I think it was Saeed Jones who said it best, poets write the best memoirs. Amy Key’s memoir is brave, beautiful, vulnerable, heartbreaking, honest, sad, and so much more. Her language is gorgeous, lyrical even, sharing her life’s desire—and lack of—romantic love. Her reflections are all framed through her relationship with Joni Mitchell’s Blue while navigating grief over the loss of a dear friend. And while not all parts resonated with me, there were many passages that felt as though it was some sort of sermon for singles that had me nodding along, especially those around her desire to create a home. If you’re the perpetually single friend, or have one you’d like to understand more, add this to your list. (I did the audiobook.)
Answers in the kitchen: Recipes celebrating tomatoes, zucchini, blueberries and more summer flavors
The update I know you came here for… my oven is fixed… for now. It’s a bit of a saga and it may be on its way out, but for now I’m back in business and baked some killer tarts to prove it. I loved hearing updates from others participating in “Adulting August.” We scheduled doctor appointments, made repairs, ordered curtain rods, dealt with retirement funds, I’m proud of us! Let’s do it again in April? Alliteration calls.
In this early August newsletter,
made “a case for cooking” that really resonated.“And then, my favorite part—the sizzle of veggies hitting a hot, oiled skillet, releasing mouth-watering aromas as they caramelize, blending to create new flavors. Stirring, sprinkling flaky salt, grinding black pepper—it’s all incredibly meditative to me.”
I’d add the joy of savoring seasonal produce, getting creative, celebrating the bounties the calendar brings. With that…
My favorite zucchini recipes:
There have been summers when I have made these brownies weekly for a stretch.
My favorite tomato recipes:
Roast ‘em with beans, spread on sourdough
- is right, the best tomato tart
…but this one is also great
Other good ones:
Another big batch lunch salad, scooped up with pita chips
Summer of grilled pizzas continued with ricotta and blackberries
At 38, I learned how to cut a mango for this quinoa salad recipe —super refreshing when it was 100 here last week
An annual tradition: stuffed eggplant
Fruit, cheese, and kickass bread are the cure for PMS
Because I love a theme, for September, how about “Slow September”? Start to transition to the flavors of fall and really enjoy those first bites, linger over a cup of coffee, breathe in the cool, crisp air —are you in?
Answers elsewhere: 3 joyful recommendations
This is why the internet exists, IMO.
The joy in setting high expectations (reminds me of this line from
in I’m Mostly Here to Enjoy Myself: “What no one prepares you for as a woman is for everything to go right. When you are a woman alone, this is never even suggested as a possibility.”)The first episode of the new season of Only Murders in the Building. I caught up with season three this month and the show shines its brightest when the three main characters are together and I missed those moments, it seems like the gang is fully back together for season four.
